You're not a .... PISCES, are you?

Fans are complicated....needing to know the sign-language equivalents of all those gestures? I feel like a lot of that jazz won't read to a modern audience, and it seems divorced from natural intuitive suggestion. Like the fact that "yes" and "no" are the right and left cheeks. Opposite meanings, nearly identical gesture. I can imagine more communicative ways to say yes and no with a fan/body language/facial expression. I never dreamed there was such a formalized system of fan holding and moving.

Enjoying playing like America's Next Top Models. I imagine Celimene as a fierce Tyra diva posing her way through a talk show. Totally channeled Mr. Jay during our "photo shoot."

I have a lot of text to memorize, and it's going to be hard to meet as a big group. Just realized today that there are only 4 MORE P-STYLES CLASSES!!!! Noooooos! Sadness.

Bueller is an awesome subject to be studying. I have a few story options, but I never wrote them down word for word. I can improvise, but I would like a longer option...not a whole lot of text, because most of them are filled in with reactions from other people....I hope we do interact because I think people are usually in this context, not telling a story uninterrupted, and I think I have a good Bueller down in conversation.

annnnnnd IMPROV FESTIVAL this weekend!!!
All you folks - you should try one of the workshops from 3-6pm on Saturday. It's free and going to be awesome. "Beginning Improvisation" w/ Rick Horner from PHIT will be low-pressure and lots of fun. Let me know if you want to try it!

Love love love
H

WoogedywoogedywoogedyEEEEUUUUHHHHHHHHwoogedywoogedyEEEUUUGHHHH!

I LOVE PLAYING GAMES.
I LOVE LAUGHING AND COMPETING AND BEING REALLY FUCKING INTO IT.
I LOVE FOCUS.
I LOVE GROUP MIND.
I LOVE SPRINGTIME.
I LOVE IMPROV.
I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

I really appreciate Kashi getting us all to play today - it was just what the class needed, I think. To laugh and go after objectives and get into "the game," rather than jumping into scenework.

And Kashi's going to the Bistro with us on Thursday! Lunch-Date!

If you're as confused as I am about theatre education

Read this:

http://theatreideas.blogspot.com/2007/09/theatre-education-part-1-how-we-got.html

What Now?

So R&G is over.


Over.


I left Tim's last night feeling kind of shitty...I am terrible at focusing on the many many positives abounding everywhere, and instead I harbor that little nugget of regret in the pit of my stomache - why didn't my aunt, my friend, my BEST friend come see the show? Why don't I feel happier? Will I still see/hang out with/feel consequential in the lives of all those people now that it's over?

I think I have post-partum.

Mostly I feel like summer vacation is ending...or rather, I had a project in front of me for over a year in which I knew the challenges and had clear goals - even if I wasn't sure WHAT they were all the time, I knew what they would feel like when we met them - and now I'm left alone with my own private future beckoning for attention. I could ignore ME when I was working on R&G, but now - what do I need? Where am I going? Suddenly I'm possessed by the real-world-terrors, and I literally spent the morning looking up grad school programs/thinking about what I'm doing with my life. To MFA, not to MFA. And which MFA? PhD? Auditioning? Writing? Starting my own group? Improv? Day jobs? (this blog -> http://theatreideas.blogspot.com/2008/01/my-last-word-on-mfa-programsfor-now.html was really interesting)

So clearly I'm incapable of just relaxing and enjoying my recent success. Luxuriating in the compliments, basking in the glory and pride in my cast, and taking a break. .... .... .... I'm bored.

On to Moliere...and the two big scenes and one extra part I picked out for myself. Good lord, that's a lot of yellow highlighter. I feel greedy - I didn't realize how much I was getting into. But rhyming fun and wonderful corsetted whimsy away!

And So Adieu

Shakespeare, farewell!
I love working in the world of Shakespeare. I feel just filled up with language and action and poetry and power whenever I dig into his words. I felt very challenged by Rosalind, a challenge I hope to attempt again and continue to work on...I haven't quite cracked that nut, if such a thing is possible. I loved seeing everyone so playful, I thrive on play - and yet, I often find myself so serious! I say to my serious brain, "oh, stop it you!" and then I blow raspberries. I want to learn more clowning and foolery....(I'm hoping to take the month-long intensive at Shakespeare & Co. this winter.)

R&G opened to (as I hear) rave reviews. I am filled with pride and satisfaction. The semi-formal rocked my world. I'm getting things organized for the improv festival. Signed up today for the next work period in the ticket office - had taken time off for the show but now can get back to making some money (a good thing too, since I'm totally broke). As of today it's two months exactly until Tom and I move into our new apartment - giddy schoolgirl giggles commencing. Starting to register for the fall's classes. Starting to think about Josie Hogan...read Long Day's Journey last night. So many things on the horizon....and it's a good thing, or I would be terribly depressed about R&G ending. I had the time of my life during this whole experience, from its conception to its culmination in a few days. It's hard to believe it's been occupying a sizable chunk of my brain for over a year. And soon it will all be photographs and memories.

Someone pour me a whiskey sour (which I'm told is a dead person's drink, thank you Bill c/o Bess) so I can recount "the old days."

Bednobs and Broomsticks was better

Friday night - good run through, last one before tech. Got drunk and watched series finale of Battlestar Galactica. (New drinking game - drink everytime someone says "Frak" or "Gods") I shall miss thee, last good show on scifi. What hast that network done? (Dumped all of its original shows to make crappy movies. For a title list, combine any random and evocative words. ie "Death Storm," "Dark Creatures," or, my personal favorite: "Ice Spiders.")

Saturday - NYC with M&C. Disappointed with Blithe Spirit. I had high expectations, I admit (I played Madame Arcati in high school) and some of Angela Lansbury's antics were delicious - but - well, er - SHE FORGOT HER LINES. Angela, frickin', Lansbury. And Rupert Everett was tiresome and dull - his sudden outrages transparent, his character unfocused. The pacing seemed off...there were some lovely moments, but it didn't seem to build. Sound cues got played early, and I didn't see any sort of relationship at all between Ruth and Charles to begin with....it felt very stale. The lighting was lovely - really nice interior and exterior looks. But it felt like a throwaway matinee, I'm really quite sorry to say.

Sunday - First tech! A long day, but went smoothly. Barrels successful! I can stop holding my breath about that one. I love my cast...love them love them. Thank you. Can't wait to get sound coordinated tonight (Erik arrives!) and see make-up. Costumes tomorrow. Good golly miss molly it's almost opening night - houston, we have a show!

"All the World's A-" "-shut up, Jacques."

Thursday's class was good - felt actorly, felt good in my clothes, energized. Unfortunately I think I went off script before I was ready and it really threw me off when we performed for the class. Ah well - good notes nonetheless, among which:

to play up the boyish/man-to-man-ness of Ganymede to Orlando
look for more instances of Rosalind's love/lust peeping through/getting the better of her
find more emotional connection/justify her browbeating - what is only teasing and what is in response to something Orlando says that truly gets at her? That she wants him to change for her?
physicality - what is Rosalind's impersonation of a man?

Excited to work but really lacking in time. Going to be tough to get the time I want to work with Justin with my hellish tech-week schedule. Also need to work on my monologue. Looks like many more late nights.

See...Seen....SAW! (thank you, Nibs)

Quite a good weekend...some tough stuff, but also some relaxation. Run-through of R&G on Friday night, got some great feedback from Gus. Saturday I got some much-needed cleaning done in my apartment, hung out with Tom, and saw Last Train to Nibroc (Congratulations Bess! Such a great show!). It was very inspiring to see Shannon and Adam working, the two of them alone captivating the audience for an hour and a half. At the root of all our work, the two-person scene is the foundation (in improv, too) - you can't beat the intimacy and focused action of one person and another.

On Sunday I visited my grandfather George (he's not my biological grandfather, but he's been dating my grandmother for many years) in the nursing home. He had a stroke last year and had to go into care. Still hasn't regained use of his right arm and can't walk. Mentally he's still sharp and it is so difficult to see him in his tiny room or in the dining room full of people slumped down in their wheelchairs, being fed or staring off into space, working their mouths. We actually went to celebrate his birthday - he said, "I'm having a great day today." Which makes me feel just as sad as happy because today is an exception to the rule. I feel guilty that I can't get there more often. He and my nana were so active before his stroke - drove all over the place (she's 81!) from Massachusetts to Florida, visiting cousins and siblings, going to musical events (they love polka) and babysitting their great-grandson, my nephew Ian. My nana sees George every day, spending hours in his room or in the small sunroom at the front of the building. I think about them a lot...it is scary to get old in this world.

I'm geared up for this week - last one before tech! - gotta be on point and focused. Had a really productive rehearsal last night, went home exhausted (after improv and a late night waffle house run). Nine rehearsals left!

Cry your mercy, couldst thou tighten my corset strings?

What, ho!

Class today was fun. Felt like we did quite a lot of those greetings/dismissals/common phrase things - they all started to blend together. The group sort of adopts a standard cadence and it's easy to forget the intent of the things we're saying - or rather, not to be cornballs about it.

Curtsy and bow instruction exciting - I like learning things like that. Makes me miss dancing...I did the whole dance-class thing when I was a tot, but they beat the joy out of it for me and point shoes hurt too badly. Wish I had taken it up at another studio....forsooth!

I'm quite excited to have been assigned the Rosalind/Orlando scene - it's the one I really wanted to do. The monologue also looks fun. Happy to be working with Justin again, I really enjoyed playing Kate to his Petruchio in Acting Shakespeare.

I will really miss this class when it's over. What better way to spend your time than playing with all of your friends? And lunch at the Bistro afterward? So lovely. This semester is just rushing by....

I will write to you anon. Ere I part, remember thee this: NIBS debuts in but a short day! Break thy legs!

As I DO Like It, Very Much Indeed

SHAKESPEARE!

At first I was lukewarm about working on As You Like It - I had seen a lukewarm production of it years ago and everyone else seemed to feel similarly - but reading it convinced me otherwise. I'm a big devotee of Harold Bloom, and his "The Invention of the Human" is my go-to book for Shakespeare's plays. I agree with his assessment of Rosalind as stunningly central to this play, even untouched by dramatic irony in that she really seems to know as much as we do - probably more. She deserves better than Orlando - he is hardly her equal - but she wants him and she gets him. She is more masterful and poised than even the play's fool, for whom Shakespeare usually reserves the most piercing observation and clever articulation. She should prove a great challenge and I hope I have a chance to play her.

This play is probably the happiest and most gentle of his plays - most things truly are as we would like it - a cottage in the woods, a band of merry men, love notes on trees and playing pretend...I'd like to live in this world where all malcontents repent and recant and where love flourishes among the trees.

Spring Break-throughs

Spring Break catch-up....
Felt like I was just as busy with all the stuff I had going on at home - family birthdays, appointments, my car breaking down (again), going to NY - as I was at school. Nevertheless, it was good to get some time out of rehearsal to think through some things. Had a great conversation with Gus on Monday that helped me refocus on big picture stuff. The run-through on Monday night went really well, I saw a lot of readjustments in response to my emailed notes. Afterward I gave a whole ton o' notes to Justin and Tim, which was a bit overwhelming but I think they absorbed the big ideas. Worked on music last night with the tragedians, very excited about getting that on its feet.

Harold Night at UCB was just fantastic. Standing in the cold for two hours...not so much. Must get reservations much further in advance next time....I'm so glad it's becoming so popular - quite exciting to be a part of this blossoming phenomenon. Improv with the Hobo Army is back in business (we got distracted and somewhat off course the last few weeks - hadn't met for a while before Monday) but we had nine (9!) improvisers there at our last meeting. (I remember struggling by with five of us for weeks and weeks last year!) The festival plans are coming along - PHIT has agreed to what we're able to pay them, and they're sending two teams - Activity Book and Illegal Refill - to the festival to teach workshops and perform.

All in all....feeling good, moving forward....having fun!

Goodbye, Greece

I'm sad to be done with the Greeks. I'd love to do more and to do other plays. Some comedies, too. I mostly wish I hadn't been sick for such a big chunk of our Greek time - my voice was frequently not up to the immense challenge. But all in all, I was very satisfied with our performance. Despite costume malfunctions (Electra XXX!) I was very in-the-moment, made a real connection with Alex and felt pretty empowered. To copy Bess --->

Alex: It was a pleasure to be your partner and I appreciated your work ethic. I felt you growing in the scene the more we worked together, and I felt we had some really special moments especially on performance day.

Katherine: You broke through some emotional boundaries in yourself with this scene, I think. I can always count on you to be in control and prepared when you are on stage - this time you needed to let go of some of that control, and you did.

Justin: I saw major evolutions in your monologue between each of the times we saw it. You were masterful with your garment, and found a great balance between using it and breaking free of it. You painted wonderful visual images, picked your moments for emotional connection, and looked fierce.

Michelle: You made wonderful progress since the beginning of your work. You got much more grounded and less conscious of your audience. You made me see new sides of Clytemnestra and found a great strength in your physical movements - your arms moved deliberately and you made some fantastic stage pictures.

Katie: I've never seen you do anything so dramatic before and you rocked it. I was very impressed by your unleased emotion and strong physical choices. Your voice was powerful and your breath engaged. (On a side note - your player at Friday's run through made some great progress! Very confident and delightfully sleazy!)

Bess: You did it! I know a monologue wasn't your first choice, but you did the work and it paid off. There were some big aha! moments where your body, your voice and your emotion clicked in and really resonated. Congratulations.

Love you guys! Hope you have great spring breaks (I'll see some of you for our trip to the big apple tomorrow) and come back relaxed and refreshed!

1:1

The one-on-one coaching with Kashi reminded me of the only other acting class I've had with her - Intro, Freshman Seminar. I forgot that she liked to meet with us individually - I recall our scenes from A Lie of the Mind...ah memories. I kind of expected more interruption/side coaching, but she reserved her notes for the end. Kinda wanted her to get in there and push us, give us an in-the-moment experience, but in the end the scenes were truly ours to develop out of class with very little intervention. Kashi used the exercises rather than the scenework to affect us spontaneously, and our scenes became the test of our application of those exercises.

I appreciated the extra time in my day and had fun twirling my garments in the lobby. Silly theatre kids. I love us. I love singing, spinning, rolling on the floor, generally making asses of ourselves and sharing in the foolishness. Wouldn't the world be so much better if everyone took time to PLAY?

On a fun side note: I just discovered that The Second City and Columbia University Chicago have started a "Comedy Studies" semester of study. A course load of Improv, Sketch, History of Comedy, Comedy in Context, and seeing performances at Second City and the other comedy venues of Chicago. YES PLEASE!!! Perhaps in 2010???

Is She Throwing Up or Laughing?

Soooo it was my birthday last weekend! It was a wonderful three days, packed with fun, friends, family and some needed relaxation. Truly one of my more memorable birthdays.

Friday night our entire P-Styles class (plus others) gathered in my tiny apartment to drink and be merry. At one point there were fifteen people in my 10' X 12' living room. It felt so good to host them, to have lots of noise and laughter in my place where it's usually pretty quiet and sometimes a bit lonely. I drank bounteous amounts, and it felt like I was celebrating my 21st - last year I had a mellow birthday, dinner with Tom, quiet night at home, so it felt like I was having the 21st with friends that I'd missed out on. Katherine and Katie made me a cake and cupcakes! Billie Jean made her famous chocolate balls (many jokes resulted), and Alex gave me the last of his tanqueray, Justin left me a pretty flower, Bess gave me Burt's Bees lip balm (my lips thank you!...well, I guess lips DO usually thank people...) Thank you all, my lovely lovelies, for sharing the night with me. I haven't celebrated my birthday with Lehigh folks before - it was very special.

Saturday I went home to my dad's and his wife and my sister cooked a great meal composed of my favorites: Blackened cajun tilapia, corn casserole, kale with onions and garlic, and a lemon poppyseed cake. My sister got me the book I've been lusting after: Michael Palin's diaries from the Monty Python years. I also got a beautiful scarf and a bottle of wine from the winery my dad and I visited when we were in Italy. Castelli Verrazzano Chianti Classico- and from the year we were there! Very precious.

On Sunday my mom and family came out to my apartment to shower me with gifts - money already deposited in my account for the purchase of an iPod! We went right over to the Apple Store and returned home with my very own iPod Classic. I'm finally in touch with the times. Then we went to Melt where they spent way too much money on my meal but we had a fantastic time. I finally got to sit in front of the fireplace - I've been eying up those tables since it opened - and had a delicious dinner of seafood spiedini (tuna, chilean sea bass, shrimp and scallops on a grilled cabob) and mascarpone polenta. I salivate at the thought of it.

It was hard to have the weekend end. But there's always spring break to look forward to!

Baker's Dozen

Well, Baker's Eight, really...

I loved working in Baker. We worked in there for Shakespeare last year and both times it was great to feel my voice booming out into the cavernous hall, the way it changed my rhythm and forced much more attention to articulation. I liked working individually in different locations - Alex and I played on the stairs and through the rows of seats - fun to be in an environment full of obstacles and levels and getting to experience the scene without worrying about the audience. It felt very cinematic.

It was thrilling and almost naughty to be in that big big space with all its imposing seats and reverb speaking from this ancient play - with tech people working out of sight, their little sounds revealing an outside modern presence in contrast with our grand speeches and flowing garments. I felt the religion of it, the spirit of this silly/ecstatic/painful/wonderful thing we call theatre. There we were, doing as the Greeks once did - rehearsing, sending our voices out and up, stretching our bodies in pursuit of expression. It was quite touching. All the earnest faces and bubbling desires to do well, to affect and communicate. I am frequently reminded of my love for people who try. I hope that doesn't sound reductive - not that they aren't successful in their trials, but merely the fact of them taking the risk, working at pushing past the point of the known and familiar and into the uncertainty of creation - that's what is so exciting about art. To experience it yourself is exhilarating, and to effect it in others (as director, for instance) is immensely satisfying.

If My Cold Was a Demon I'd Have David Boreanaz Kill It

Sick sick and more sick.

Class - late. Hit my alarm off button in a sleepy sickly stupor.

Wish I hadn't missed the warm up. Laying in the dark? Yes please.

However, I can't breathe out of my nose. Disappointing.

Sleeping a lot, watching episodes of "Angel" on Hulu.

Don't judge me.

Text work productive last class. Wish I felt better and could commit more time to working on the scene. Worried about my voice on Thursday. Talking in fragments...

Last R&G rehearsal was great. They're finding a connection to the audience - very clown-like, very funny. Question game best it's been - hoping this success will infect the rest of their work. (Used that word a lot in rehearsal...infect....infect....perhaps because I'm feeling so infected.) Looking forward to more work with tragedians...talked to Katie about her work on Electra (which was stunning - I was transfixed!) and how it translates to R&G.

In the spirit of Katherine's blog post....here are some awesome pictures of my nephew.

[sic]

This is my weekend post.
A post about the weekend.
Posted weakly by a weakened weekend.
Weekly.

So surprise: I'm sick. And it wasn't even MY tech week! Alas, the snuffle bug bit me Thursday, and despite much tea-drinking, bed-resting, and vitamin-swallowing (I just thought of how Katie says "vit-amin" with a short "i" - makes me smile) it has hit me full force and taken up residence in my chest.

I tried my best to enjoy a Valentine's day with my Valentine - I had comp tickets to the Cirque Eloize show, so I was determined to drag my sick body over to Baker to see some circus feats. It was good - Nebbia was the name of the show, it's Italian for fog - the Pozzo-like ring-leader had smoke floating out of his big coat the whole time, drifting up to the ceiling. The big trampoline was so joyful...the spinning plates in a sea of reedy sticks... it was dark and fantastic and made me feel like a visitor in a cloudy cobblestoned street.

And Wintertime on Friday - so much fun! I was rocking out. Thoroughly mad cap and great to see fresh faces working hard on stage, the earnestness of effort and the sincerity of young actors. I was impressed by everyone's commitment and courage. Unfortunate that I couldn't attend the cast party...sick sick sick.

I will be well. I will be well. I will be well...

ELECTRA-FYING

Class today was the beginning of a long day of acting and teaching, pushing on my voice which has felt sore since this morning. I felt like it was a successful day, however, and I did the responsible thing and didn't go out to the Ho tonight (even though I was very tempted). I should try to get to sleep early tonight... have a math test tomorrow and I want to kick this cold in the butt before it gathers steam. (Gathers steam...what a lovely metaphor. I see a steam engine chugging forward unevenly, greys and blacks against a misty blue and green landscape...)

I'm ready to do scenework. I really want to plumb those depths, get down and dirty! It's refreshing to get to be the actor instead of the leader (where my head has been focused the past few months). Alex mentioned in his last post the way all of our peers take on so many roles and build relationships on different levels - actor/director, actor/stage manager, director/stage manager, actor/actor, etc. I really enjoy this aspect of our department. It's great to be able to direct and (try to) inspire the people I'm also part of an ensemble with. At longform this oftens happens within the same session - leading exercises and teaching games and then performing and playing alongside my fellow improvisers.

I was really touched, Bess, by your work on the monologue today. When we listened to you in the dark I felt a grief welling up inside me, tangled in with sympathy and appreciation of you, the actor, doing such honest work and trying to touch that soft spot inside. (Did that sound dirty? Oh well, we're supposed to get dirty.) I would not have been as happy to get a monologue as to get a scene, but your work today made we want to undertake one. I hope to do similar boundary-busting work on my scene with Alex.

I look forward to Alex and I getting in the same world and really making a connection. I've never acted closely with Alex so it's exciting to work with someone new. Everyone in the class is setting a high bar. The emotional intensity is going to blow the roof off the black box - I can't wait!

Migraining Cats and Dogs

I am writing to you now from within a fog of migraine medication, squash soup-induced food coma, and computer-hating eye strain. Yet write on I must. Unfortunately I had to cancel rehearsal tonight (damn) and I was so looking forward to getting Katie into rehearsal with Justin and Tim. Luckily they are all good sports and can meet tomorrow night. Migraines are my mortal enemy! I'm getting better at anticipating their arrival each month, but it is difficult to choose to take the necessary medicine in the morning and be hazy and out-of-focus all day, especially if I'm not sure if it's going to be hellish or just a tension headache.

Tuesday's class: great warm up - I enjoyed everyone's contributions, and I hope our confidence grows as a group and really take ownership of that process. We all respect and admire each other (I know I do) and it feels good to follow as well as to lead.

Building our space was not immediately smooth sailing. The group was not always saying "yes and" but "wait, no" sometimes. Of course, sometimes things need to change and go in another direction to improve, but only by trying and looking, building together and maintaining a positive attitude will progress occur. I hope I wasn't too pushy in this respect. I tinkered and played with the "set" - not wanting to just do things "my way" but to see how changes altered the space. After we toga-ed up, I was happy Justin started to read aloud from the Greek "interview." He and I took turns reading, from the Greek perspective, how we viewed the world and found ourselves within it. The group started to explore the space, interact, listen to the oration. I felt good about the experience, but it seemed a little muscled into being rather than organically grown.

Starting on Electra was fun - I enjoyed the physical expression to the words, the grandness, the sense of scale. I'm going to enjoy working on my Electra/Orestes scene with Alex. I want to rock her. It's a beautiful scene, and it has so much in it - from extreme pain to intense joy. What a ride.

Aaarrrgghh is it 11:20 already? Where does the time go?! I have a math test to study for and emails to send...

Into Air, Into Thin Air

Gotta catch up - missed my weekend post, so here it is.

My sister came out to see me Saturday, and we had some good fun sissy time. We went to White Orchids for dinner (Tom Kah soup and a shared plate of pad thai, fried bananas and coconut ice cream for dessert - delicious and decadent!) Then we saw the Momix show at Baker. It was kind of a "Best Of" show of dances all strung together. I preferred their "Lunar Sea" show last year - more ensemble work and fewer breaks between pieces - but it was still incredible and affecting. Their strength and control is stunning. They often work with sculpture and props, and some pieces were just fantastically conceived while others seemed like a smaller part of another work that didn't accumulate in the way it would have originally.

The opening dance was well placed and just breathtaking - a single girl moves slowly and meditatively on a bare stage with a large round hat that has dangling strings of beads all the way around like a veil. She is deliberate, subtle, reverent. She reminds me of a geisha. Slowly she starts to spin. The veil lifts with tension in a whirling cone. She spins faster and faster, the fan of beads flies up and the "hat" opens up and she can put it around her neck and shoulders - she tilts, she bounces, she leaps, she never stops spinning. Her balance is amazing. For minutes she spins, mesmerizingly constant.

Another of my favorite pieces started with a woman seated in a saucer-like structure, three men with long poles standing behind her. They insert the poles at three points of the saucer and they stick up and out. Three women lie beneath the poles, around the saucer. They start to spin the structure, the women popping up between the poles to touch the woman in the center then down as the beam flies over their bodies. The men spin the poles like a merry-go-round. They grab onto the poles and let them carry their bodies, "running" through the air. The men and women dance together on, under, and with the poles. Side by side the three couples each take a pole, one couple pushing theirs toward the floor and the opposite side lifting up into the air, carrying the dancers like angels. It makes me want to fly. In the final image, the women embrace the central woman on the saucer, the men spinning around them noiselessly, their legs in mid stride. The lights dim so that the poles are barely visible, and they look like spirits hanging in the air.

I was reminded of the dance show I saw my freshman year - I think the group was called "Diavolo"? - and how immense their sculpture pieces were. One of their dances featured a giant (HUGE!) wooden, boat-like thing, sort of a large ark. It rocked back and forth, and the dancers would manipulate it by balancing (or unbalancing) their weights on either end of the deck. At one point the boat was head-on with the audience, rocking waaaay back with the front tilting up, up in the air - and suddenly a dancer comes flying over the top, blindly swan diving into the arms of two other dancers downstage. It was shocking. Everyone gasped collectively as one in the audience. It was....indescribable.

This weekend I'm seeing Cirque Eloize: NEBBIA. Their "Rain" show last year was spectacular (it rained on stage and they splashed, slid, and swam in it!) but I'm not sure what the concept for this show is. I hope to be surprised.

Irish Wrishrash

Before I dive into our class on Thursday, I have neglected to post anything on my stalk-ee and so I will do so......NOW.

Everyone has chosen such delightful names for their icons. I've been trying to come up with something all week, and I'm drawing a non-clever blank, so I'm going to close my eyes right now, and when I open them, the first name I see on any surface of my apartment I'll use.....().......

We have a winner! My shadow's name issssssss..... BUELLER. I like it.

So I've been noticing some things about Bueller, the way Bueller talks and Bueller's facial expressions. I haven't paid enough attention to Bueller's walk yet, and I'm still listening for a story....

I enjoyed the table work during class, the interview was cool and great to get into the minds of the Greeks. I think the Greek groveling exercise was a little distracted by wardrobe malfunctions...but I like when the group comes together in an improvisation, worshipping together, mirroring each others movements, discovering the rules together.

On a side note, R&G rehearsals have been going fantastically. We've been working through the two-person R&G scenes, and the guys are getting the physicality and the rhythms in their bodies more and more each night. I'm feeling really good about my instincts - some of my direction has had a great impact and their choices are getting bolder and sharper. And I'm having so much fun! These first rehearsals are making me more confident about taking on the big group scenes. I can't wait for next week.

Leading the Charge

As class was cancelled today (I really missed it but was glad for the extra hours to do some computing) I'd like to talk about how improv is going.

I'm feeling better and better every week about The Hobo Army's progress at longform. As a group we're really starting to meld, even when the attendance isn't always consistent and we have different people in at different times, we're building a culture and I really feel the group mind moving forward. I've learned to be more of a cheerleader than I've been in the past - to drop my own small (or large) worries at the door and try to give myself in to rallying the troops. Even though everyone came in really low energy (which is the typical situation if you're working at 10pm at night) and I could feel the group dipping down at different times, we were able to boost ourselves up and do some great playing. I'm trying to pay more attention to the group's morale and general "vibe," and rather than pushing through with real heady work all of the time get us back to playing once we've made some difficult steps forward. Having fun is the goal of a performance and should be the goal of a rehearsal. I cannot let myself become concerned or frustrated but communicate my enthusiasm for when stuff works and my positive ideas for when stuff gloriously fails.

We still make a lot of weak choices, and I must constantly quiet my own head-voice saying "this sucks, what are you doing, you're arguing, just stop talking until you have something funny to say," but more and more scenes are being built through listening instead of desperation. I'm laughing more. There are more smiling faces. I love these people for believing that I have valuable things to tell them and for concentrating so hard and for playing so sincerely. I am so thankful to them for investing their time and trust to the experience of improvising together. Their commitment allows me do what I love to do. Thanks, guys.

Home w/ the Fam

I had some much-needed time at home this weekend. Went to my sister's for my brother-in-law's birthday Friday night. I love seeing them - it doesn't happen enough. I'm very close to my sister, despite being 15 years apart in age. We're very similar, and I think we both enjoy being silly like little girls when we get together, like a vacation to the past, sometimes to two different pasts that we meld together and approximate being teenagers together.

When I was in pre-school my sister was going to college. One time she took me along with her - I was so excited to go to a big-kid school and get out of boring pre-school for a day. I took my 101 Dalmations coloring book (so I would have "work" to do while she was doing work in class). When I think about it now, I can't imagine bringing my five year old nephew to one of my classes. I didn't realize at the time how bold she was, how cool it was for her to give me that experience even if people thought she was weird. She went to Alvernia, which is a small Catholic college, but it was still probably a very strange thing to do. I remember the professor said "hell" during class and got really embarrassed for cursing in front of me. The other students talked to me, asked to trade for my coloring book, then got focused on class and I just "sat in."

My sister dealt with a lot of crap due to our age difference. She had withdrawn from high school to be home-schooled not too long before I was born (she was not challenged in school and didn't fit in - she took a courses through a University in Nebraska to get a high school certificate) and the ensuing rumor was that I was her child. She'd take me to the mall and have to endure the sidelong glances and stares of those who assumed she was a teenaged mother. But she didn't care - she took me all over the place in her used black Saab, listening to 80s music and talking about elementary school. I'd borrow her sunglasses and watch the way she drove, the way she mouthed the words to her favorite songs. She was so unbelievably cool. She's the one who chose my name, Hilary. My parents asked her to name me. That was only the first gift of many she would freely give, including me and protecting me at an age when most people are at their most selfish.

I hope I can be a similar figure in my nephew's life. He's the coolest little guy, and I love watching him play with Tom. He calls me "Aunt Bean." I miss him while I'm at school, but it's so healing to get home and get to see him - to run around the house and chase each other, to color, to play with his matchbox cars and have tickle fights... I don't ever want to grow up.

In Absentia

This is an apology to all my pstyles loves who I didn't get to canoodle with on Thursday.

I'm battling a bout of insomnia this week, mostly because I'm waiting on some answers that I'm really anxious to get. I apologize for my vagueries but this is one's too personal and I'm not ready to share.

Long story short, I'm not at my best. But that shouldn't matter, and is precisely the situation meant to be handled by discipline. If you can keep a routine going through the tough times that's when it is truly routine. There are tough times all the time. I feel that I can be a very un-disciplined person, and lose all control over my good habits when life interrupts. So I really wish I had come to class on Thursday. Je regret. It might have helped me feel better, as it certainly did on Tuesday.

I feel like a zombie. I'm messing up stuff at work, spilling/dropping things constantly, forgetting my own phone number...hopefully tonight I'll be able to sleep. Maybe my brain is exhausted enough to shut down for a night. I'm going home for the weekend, which is a relief. I get to see my five-year-old nephew, the best medecine.

This was a dramatic post, and I feel guilty even writing it. I feel insecure, that people will think: "uh-huh, just like Hilary, having some dramatic problem again!" Is this even close to the mark? I don't know. I know I have a very distorted sense of how people see me a lot of the time - I've been told I'm very hard on myself. But I do feel like I'm always getting sick during tech week, having a family emergency, a personal crisis, yada yada yada. Perhaps I don't manage my stress well. I like to think of myself as reliable, that I can be depended on. A few weeks ago someone told me that I "seem to get sick a lot," with a sort of smirky look. That crushes me. In high school I stayed home a lot when I got overwhelmed...played way too much hookey. In college I've been super sensitive to people thinking of me that way, because high school memories were not such good ones (and I have a lingering sense of guilt about how I handled myself)- but at Lehigh I've gotten very, very sick multiple times, from the flu to unexplained sudden stomach pain to shingles. SHINGLES! OLD people get shingles. Or people under abnormal stress. I had to fill a prescription for Valtrex, because shingles is a type of herpes virus. Do you have any idea how humbling an experience it is to fill a prescription for herpes medication?

Since my mom was hit by a car Freshman year, to my grandmother being hospitalized last spring, to my "grandfather" (grandmother's "companion") having a stroke this fall, falling on my face in the parking garage, having a lump removed from my breast, my dad getting married and selling the house we lived in together - just the two of us, for many years - Drama, in more senses than one, has certainly shaped my experiences of "the college years." As it must for almost everyone. Isn't this usually the time when people fall apart, come of age, wonder what the fuck they're doing with their lives? The quarter-life crisis, people! Am I alone in feeling like a hot mess most of the time? Everyone else always seems so...cool. Not as in an "awesome dude" sense, but in a laid-back, "I don't feel guilty for taking time for myself right now", in control sort of way. That probably sounds absurd to everyone else who struggles just as much as I do. Maybe I'm just less talented at hiding it, or at least not letting things overwhelm me. I don't want to be a person to whom things happen. And I really, really don't want to be the person other people see as weak.

There you go. All raw and exposed. So much for playing it close to the chest.

Seriously...I'll have to take a message because my functioning mind is not in today.

Mixed Bag...or rather, Cornucopia

Several of your blogs had a lot of good stuff to reflect on for yesterday's class. I have to admit...
I'm jealous.

I've been in a weird place the last few days...I'm struggling with some personal uncertainties, and I knew I wasn't really focused on the work. The relaxation exercise didn't relax me. I usually feel very grounded and centered by guided meditation. I'm familiar with the tension/release technique. But Tuesday I couldn't keep my head empty, and I struggled with the isolated tensions - my whole body would stiffen up and I couldn't get really satisfying tension in the parts I wanted to. I felt myself going through the motions and waiting for the exercise to be over.

I also feel like I struggle with spontaneous style centered on culture. I hesitate to veer into stereotypical thoughts about eras and places because I feel the facade of it, the snap-judgment and assumption. I know that improv is all about assuming, but I feel like our goal is not to make an audience laugh in this case. It's to find the truth. Perhaps our personal truth is to expose our perceptions about these eras in time - the cliches our minds recognize. And yet I feel an inherent dishonesty when I start doing drugs and "groovin" in the 70s or become a caricature of a flapper for the 20s. I'm torn between having something performative to do and really visualizing myself in the environment - a real person, not a cartoon of one.

I did enjoy the exercise where Bess and I came in as immigrants to the culture. I wanted to do it again and be a part of the group - I felt left out of a great moment of spontaneity and a functioning group mind. But the experience was fun - I loved when everyone was screaming and Bess and I were screaming and it turned out later that they were trying to blow us up.

Nacuma.....Sahara.....Cornucooooopiaaaaaaa......

Over Exposure....(not really)

Thursday's class. Remember remember...



Life is speeding up - I can feel the jet engines spinning into action and soon everything is going to turn into a blur outside my window, my centered emotional life fading into tiny dots way below me, ants in a landscape of mileage to cover. Ah, well, or I could more melodramatic.



But seriously I am starting to feel that head-nausea where you realize you're just cramming too much in there at one time. I don't feel particularly stressed, and everything I have going on is exciting and really satisfying. It's just a matter of sheer volume. And I've never been a super organized person...only in certain ways. I'm addicted to my day planner mostly because it is my saving grace against total forgetfulness.

H.I.L.S.A.:
Hilary's Indispensable
Life-Saving
Accompaniment
--------------->

But back to Thursday. My personal style as viewed by my friends: Comfortable. Casual. Practical. ....Yep. And wow - all the M&C gear. I did not expect. But that's cool, I do enjoy wearing it. I'm proud of having designed the t-shirts, and I like feeling like I'm representing the drama society. It's like a jersey. I play for the theatre team, and we're state champs!

I felt challenged by the self-assessment questions. I couldn't answer some of them with any feeling of accuracy. I couldn't remember radically altering my style and things like that. Little things, like acting more tough or sarcastic to impress my boyfriend's friends. And I wasn't sure how personal to get with other questions, although ultimately I decided to share about my mom. At first I felt like the atmosphere was generally sort of flippant and breezy, and it seemed more about layering humor into all of our stories than the truth of the stories themselves. But real things did get shared, and I want the probability of this sharing to increase. I found myself being selective about my memories. I could have said I evaluated my appearance for signs of looking "heavy," every morning, but I chose instead to talk about brushing my teeth, which is also true. Michelle was brave to talk about trying on different outfits and to share about wanting to wear jeans more. I struggle with the same things...is our goal to get at the more sensitive issues, unspoken insecurities, in order to move forward? It is a very vulnerable position, and while there is a lot of trust among the friends in our class, I still feel somewhat held back from being totally exposed.

Change, Changes, Changing

I feel...joy. Passion. Like I want to laugh really loud and whoop and holler and sing spirituals. I feel humbled, and thankful. I feel hopeful, but also sobered by tasks ahead and the scary things on our horizon...climate change, energy crisis, the economy, social security, on and on...I am daunted by the prospect of my generation solving these problems. The buck must stop with us. I know this is a day for celebration, but I know that it is also a day in which we must realize that even when we are led by supported leader with the gift to inspire us, someone with a vision and purpose, we still have many obstacles to surmount and dilemmas for which there are no easy answers. Hope will sustain us, but only effort will bring change.

It was great to be surrounded by people watching history unfold today. I tried to notice the details and lock them away in my brain. This is the first presidential election I've been able to vote for. We are a generation marked by such staggering events - since I was thirteen it has seemed as though we are a nation of youth perched on the cusp of great change, poised to inherit a new world. Perhaps it is typical to feel this way in the bright blossum of life, to be twenty-something and dangling over the precipice of adulthood. I think about my grandmother, a high-school dropout who married at seventeen, just a few months before her young husband went off to war, a tail-gunner shot down in the pacific who never came home. THAT's a world I can't comprehend. Talk about feeling like everything is about to change - her life is wrapped up in our country's history like threads in a scarf with no end.

The changes extend to our own little home here at Lehigh. Monday I took part in the first of six workshops with the playwriting candidates. Jorge was very approachable and most of what he said was straitforward and sensible. I felt as though I didn't get enough interaction with him, however - it was a great example of how he works, and I appreciated the idea of a physical warm-up and mind-centering exercise before sitting down to write, it put me in a good space to create. But was that the best use of his time? I don't know. It must be a very difficult task to relate to us in such a short time. I'm looking forward to the other five candidates and how they'll approach this difficult assignment we've given them.

Sunday Night Slump

I had a good weekend but Sunday nights are always hard for me. Ever since I was little I've had a difficult time forcing myself to go to sleep, especially on Sunday nights. I hate giving up on the day, and the weekend. I also don't like being alone, the feeling of an impending seven or eight hours of darkness by myself...I slept in my parents' bed for an embarrassingly long time. I missed my family when I was at school and wanted to stay home a lot. I was kind of isolated at school (not profoundly, I did have friends) but I always felt set apart, the "smart kid." At home I belonged. Wow, this post got really reflective fast. I guess that on those nights when I'm alone, when my boyfriend is not staying over and I'm left to my thoughts, I sometimes recall that little girl feeling of "I'm alone and I'm scared. Daddy?!" The tv or a book usually keeps me company until I cannot keep my eyes open another second (I've fallen asleep over Tom Stoppard countless times over the past few months).

No matter how aware I am of the pattern, I often fall into a bad mood on Sunday around 6 or 7pm. I'm more likely to get into a fight with Tom, to overeat, to stay up too late, or to generally indulge in escapist fantasies of running away to the Pacific Northwest. I lament "not getting enough done." Nevertheless, I did "get stuff done" this weekend and had some fun too. On Friday I worked front-of-house for the James Hunter/Ryan Shaw show (I met them both, quite lovely...Ryan's band asked me where the parties are...) and finally left Zoellner at the stroke of 11:45pm. Tom and I slept in on Saturday (glorious!) and had a late breakfast at the Bistro, ran errands, and vegged around the apartment. I finally got my dishes done! We had a birthday dinner for Katie and Shannon at the Asian Bistro (which I'd never been to and loved, except for the extremely long wait time) and then Allie and her boyfriend Matt came over and watched Blazing Saddles. It was a really great night - I felt so close to my friends and so thankful to have them. I haven't done a whole lot with people at Lehigh over the years, but this year I've tried to be more engaged and I have really enjoyed getting to know the girls better and being included. On Sunday Tom and I went home to his house to watch the Eagles game...disappointing, but the third quarter redeemed the terrible first half...and then back up to DeSales and Lehigh, respectively.

I'm looking forward to class on Tuesday. Practice those "1,2s"!

A Fresh New Feeling

Yesterday was such a good day. As I've read in many of your blogs, everyone is feeling a similar rush of energy and positivity on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. And everyone seems to feel trust and support of their classmates. I'm really expectant of great things to happen among us. I too feel extremely comfortable and loved in that black box. I want to push myself and help push others. I see revelations and breakthroughs in our future.



I really felt that our group is geared up to be engaged and successful. When we all gathered in the black box, I was yearning to get started. I was so happy when we practiced the "1,2s" and Kashi's crazy "zoom-woah-shah-" exercise. Let's do that more! When Kashi got there I was tuned in and ready for anything. I love the joyful energy this class is starting in, and I really want it to continue...no mid-semester slack-off, no phoning it in. Let's help each other push through those tough times and always find the fun.



My body felt great after the warm-ups and vacuum-breathing. I want to do some right now, but I'm in the ticket office. Katherine's on the phone with a patron. Maybe when she's done I'll ask her to vacuum breathe with me...Kashi will walk by and we'll both be hanging over like ragdolls in our chairs.



All the work we're doing to recognize style is so grounded in all the improvisation I've done over the years. So many improv games are based on style - when we told the three little pigs in different styles - that's a game we do all the time, Film, TV, Theatre Styles. Recognizing the rituals of life as "templates" for scenes is also really important to establishing the known world in an improvisation. These templates allow to you layer in the "game of the scene," or the way that template gets consistently manipulated and becomes comic. We found the game when we did the Life exercise - "Adam's" awkward relationship to the world which involved a lack of eye contact. Without guidance to do so, our improv-savvy group imposed this comic element onto the frame of life's milestones. I love you guys.

One thing that struck me when we were doing both the "walking as if" and "playing catch as if" exercises was that I waver between whether I should find the most accurate personal truth or more expressive actions/attitudes. A lot of the suggestions produce very similar walks or throws. Apparently the way I play catch with someone I work for and someone I want to love me are very similar. Do I desire love everywhere? Well - yeah, I do! But I guess what is revealing about this is that I have a pretty consistent idea of the persona that I believe attracts people to me - be they bosses or lovers. Is that weird?

Look at the Wonk on That Guy

So the year begins and not one but two unrelated blogs are being asked of me. I'm glad to have an excuse to self-indulgently vomit my feelings into the computer. The other blog I will be writing weekly for ArtsLehigh about my experiences directing R&G. So I'll generally be doing a lot of reflecting this semester.

Today's class was a lovely reminder how much fun it is to play. I'm looking forward to engaging myself in warm ups and exercises and I'm very excited to work on Electra since I've never done any Greeks. I've read As You Like It and The Misanthrope but have never done scenes from them, so those will also be fun.

I love the feeling of being totally engaged in the present moment. I felt it today as I often feel it in improv. The feeling is especially thrilling when you recognize that you're a part of a group that is achieving something together. Singing together today in order to get Alex to put the shoes on his hands felt very right - the surging positive reinforcement, the group mind focused on a shared desire - it's intoxicating.

It's a total bummer, but I have to go wash gross dishes now. I might just barf-around all over my kitchen.

-Babe out